October 2006 - Cowards, Not HR, Are Your Enemy

By Anthony J. Lockwood

Human Resources has enough to do keeping up on labor laws and all those forms for healthcare, 401(k)s, and other stuff that it’s shameful so many managers are such cowards that they order HR to do their dirty work.

My wife’s nephew—a 40-year-old guy—is one of the top two or three salespeople at his company. His ability to sell well has not stopped some manager  frim siccing HR on him. My guess is that it is only a matter of time before they gin up an excuse to fire him. I hope he quits first.

It seems that Mike—we’ll call him that since it’s his name—does not make the grade as a team player. This character flaw arose when Mike’s company sent all the salespeople to a resort for one of those team spirit-building weekends. Apparently, Mike was progressively unperky as the hours of contrived camaraderie and the singing of “Kumbaya” droned on.

Now, I don’t know how many of you have been subjected to one of these sessions. Suffice it to say that these Reichsparteitag-like events are so intense that I can still sing “Give Me That Old Kirby Classic” to the tune of “Give Me That Old-time Religion”  even though it has been more than 34 years since I spent about three weeks selling vacuums door to door.

Anyway, a day or so after Mike returns to the office, HR sends him an aptitude test with a note expressing management’s concern about his commitment to the job. Mike considered answering the questions incorrectly, but decided if they wanted to get rid of him they’d have to try harder. He’s waiting for his annual review.

Don’t know if that is a good idea or not. I do know that annual reviews undid me back when I was working for the multi-billion-dollar publishing house.

Thing was, I felt that the review form was a humiliating piece of snot designed to portray the employee in the worst possible light. It was filled with statements about where you lacked talent and what steps were required to fill the gaps. Its Achilles heel, however, was that it invited reviewees to attach comments.

I availed myself of this offer in two ways. First, I wrote a critique of the evaluation form. I dissected each question, citing its pros and cons. Next, I evaluated my managers using the review form as my guide. Where applicable, I attached photocopies of memos and noted conflicting,  unintelligible, or what I felt were silly directions. I was polite throughout.

Pat in HR called me into her office. She had my evaluation. She asked what I thought I was doing evaluating my bosses and the evaluation form. Feigning befuddlement, I explained that my evaluation of the bosses was good for the company because their bosses might not be aware of how their delegates function. Oh, and the form was stupid.

Laughing, Pat told me that what I did was simply not done. But didn’t it invite my comments? Forget about that, the bosses questioned my commitment to the company.

After 12 years, I knew the gig there was up, so I began looking for a new job. The bosses made my life hell the next few months, but I quit right when they really needed me. Pat and I are still friends.

Thanks, Pal.—Lockwood

Lockwood is Anthony J. Lockwood is the Editorial Director of DE  Magazine. He’s really just a guy trying to make sense out of the world around him. You can send him an e-mail by clicking here. Please reference “Diatribes, October 2006” in your message.