August 2006 - Write Better Flaming E-Mails

By Anthony J. Lockwood

Recently we sent out a number of subscription renewal e-mails. The circulation department got it in their heads that Lockwood should write and send the three messages (initial,  second, and final reminder).

Long-time readers might guess that I did not write typical renewal pitches. Rather, I yet again expressed my disdain for standardized “creativity” with a variety of tongue-in-cheek digs at the conventions so mindlessly followed by those writing these things. I got a bunch of replies. A ton of you used your reply button—thank you very much—to laud DE. But some replies were so nasty that I was left wondering, “What would this guy do if something really went wrong?”

I know a number of you think that flaming e-mail to solicitors puts them in their place. You are wrong. Like bullying your underlings, it puts you in your place. Still, if you are going to send flame e-mail, at least do it right. I have a few modest suggestions for those wishing to improve the effectiveness of their written vitriol.

First, use a spell checker. Nothing snuffs out your brilliance like a few misspelled words, except the next tip.

Proofread your message by reciting it word by word out loud to yourself. It is a natural law of writing that you will use the wrong word or omit the key word that’ll really get their goat. After one writer expressed doubts about my humanness, he said that he wanted to get the magazine and e-mails from me again. Either into S&M or he left out the keyword “never.”

Remember SPAM filters. Strings of obscenities demo that you lack verbal acumen and—as a bonus—are not mindful of the bigger world around you. A corollary to this, substituting “ph” for “f” is 1980s clever, so forget it.

Eschew tired old lines like “your unprofessional.” You might as well say “you’re a do-do head.” Also, learn the difference between “your” and “you’re.”

Last, but not only, please—one point o’ rant per screed. You waste what tiny chance you had to cow the object of your ire with a broad bashing on everyone and everything that has ever crossed you. Birdshot works if you’re grouse hunting with Dick Cheney, not when grousing at folks doing their jobs.

In the final analysis, firing off a flaming e-mail demands more art than spleen. It’s best to write the message, address it as if it were being sent by a stranger to you, and read it in the morning. If it says what you want, all systems go. Fix. Aim. Fire.

But if you think that anyone sending your message to you is really silly guy with an ego as bloated as a blood-engorged tick, then maybe you should let it go. Save your energy for those times when something really,  truly goes wrong, such as no dessert tonight.

Thanks, Pal.—Lockwood

#     #    #

Note to Readers: Contributing Editor Louise Elliott passed away in late June. Ms. Elliott had authored hundreds of articles and news stories for DE. Her final article for you appears in the August 2006 issue of DE. Our condolences go out to her daughter Rachel and her family.

Lockwood is Anthony J. Lockwood is the Editorial Director,  fat guy, and in-house slacker at DE Magazine. Should you be so moved, you can send this joker an e-mail by clicking here. Please reference “Diatribes, August 2006” in your message.