September 2006 - Bitter YAMs

By Anthony J. Lockwood

Dorothy Parker once defined eternity as “two people and a ham.” I’d say it’s a group of people and a honcho drunk on YAM—Yet Another Meeting. You know,  where you develop actionable solutions to accelerate sustainable corporate growth?

Oye vey. I seem to attend a lot of YAMs, and YAMs are why I don’t wear a sidearm to work.

I once worked for an outfit where we’d marathon YAM the third Monday of every month. This YAM was a P&L session run by a CEO who possessed a photographic memory for spreadsheets and an obsessive compulsive’s faith in a stupid corporate strategy half of us saw as bankrupting the joint.

Fifteen or so of us would cram into this fusty room where the IT guy piled his hoard of busted stuff with the grim celerity of a paranoid toting up daily slights. Hot, bored, zipped on coffee, you amused yourself waiting for one of the owners to nod off. Then, the CEO would stab a smirk at you and hit you with “The 1-4-2 in 5-2-5-0-5?”  As in $1.42 overbudget in an item in a budget with no other overbudgets. Hours of this. Every line item. Then, we’d review how we’d cut expenses to make the grand strategy a success. Resentment grew, and our YAM devolved into a food fight.

Meanwhile, our three main competitors and the economy were tanking. My unit was humming, but our sister division was flatlining. We had sold our major cash cow and tossed those profits at the grand strategy. The strategy was our sister division’s feeding tube. Blind faith held that, any day now, Sis would bring us riches.

Predictably, we broke down into three equal camps: hostile pro, hostile con, and grimly silent. Why the owners didn’t fire the lot of us, I can’t say, although one always dozed off. The most vocal member of the CEO’s pro camp was a guy with an affected 007-like suaveness urbaniated by his constant use of malaprops and made up words. He drove me nuts, which drove me to become so unseemingly acerbic that my foul mouth foamed.

First, we cons began answering the $1.42 question preemptively. Then, we fought against funding le grande strategy. Finally, everyone just yelled for four hours, demanding heads, flipping birds, stomping out. The silent were subjected to ongoing politicking by both sides. The entire company ground to a halt because no decision could be made without a fight. It was ugly, and no profitable work got done.

My camp won its Pyrrhic victory, and we went back to trying to create salable products. During our troubles, our competitors survived then blossomed as the economy improved. The window on our chance to dominate our market had shut. All of us had failed as leaders, followers, and watchers. No leader braved compromise. No follower urged constraint. No silent watcher offered reason.

Now, when called to YAM, I plan to watch my mouth, keep calm, and offer only reason. Rarely works out that way of course. But it’s my inner peace plan.

Thanks, Pal.—Lockwood

Lockwood is Anthony J. Lockwood is the Editorial Director of DE Magazine, dog lover, and just a guy trying to make sense out of stupid stuff he does.  Should you be so moved, you can send this joker an e-mail by clicking here. Please reference “Diatribes, September 2006” in your message.