March 2006 - The Greatest Thing Ever

By Anthony J. Lockwood

I saw The Greatest Thing Ever at SolidWorks World at the end of January. Have to tell you. But business first.

I’ve been obsessing about them “Safe Harbor Language”  doohickeys that the lawyers have ordered corporate servers to plop like a bovine pre-coprolite on the end of your e-mails. They truly are a very,  very most needed thing. However, just like those warnings that TV shows give you, they need to be up front. It’s silly dropping them at the end. You might not realize that the e-mail you just read is steeped in opacity, either implied or expressed.

Thus, before I can relate to you The Greatest Thing in the World, I feel duty-bound to my corporate masters and you, dear reader, to state the Diatribes-centric Safe Harbor Language.

Safe Harbor Language

This “Diatribes” column contains forward-looking,  jaundiced-looking, and non-altruistic statements, including all statements relating to the features, reviews, news items, and analytical content contained in this edition of DE, Digital DE, and the Elements of Analysis supplement (DE et. al.) as well as the Web version of the content specified or not specified in the aforementioned content-conveying media or forums that may or may not be like DE et. al. at all in all digital and analog formats.

These statements are subject to risks and uncertainties that could cause your actual reading experience to be materially different than whatever expectations, positive or negative, you may have welled up in yourself as a result of your receipt of something that indicates that it might have come from DE et. al. Such risks and uncertainties include, but are not limited to, changes in end-user reading comprehension facilities and contemplative environment; implementation and support that meet evolving reader napping requirements and noshing habits; demographic trends like your advancing years; and the impact of competitive and noncompetitive products including, but not limited to, the latest Tiger Direct catalog,  surveys from the Census Bureau, and the dog retching on your new carpet.

Furthermore, information provided herein, which is not historical in nature—a.k.a information that is not   backward-looking—are forward-looking statements pursuant to the safe harbor provisions of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995. All such forward-looking statements are based largely on the ill-informed and unconsidered guesswork of the editor(s), the writer(s),  and management. Moreover, the editor(s) and writer(s) is (or are) subject to and qualified by risks, uncertainties, crushing disinterest, sloppy work ethics, and unresolved childhood fetishes that could cause actual results to differ materially from those expressed, implied, intended, or meant by such statements. The Company running DE et. al. undertakes no duty or effort or exhibits an interest in updating any forward- or backward-looking statement to conform any statement to any statements in the Company’s statements.

OK, well, rats. I wanted to tell you about The Greatest Thing Ever,  but I’m out of space. Next issue. Right after next issue’s very, very most needed Safe Harbor Language.

Thanks, Pal —Lockwood

Lockwood is Anthony J. Lockwood is the Editorial Director,  janitor, and resident crank at DE Magazine and Helmers Publishing. Should you be so moved, you can send this joker an e-mail by clicking here. Please reference “Diatribes, March 2006” in your message.