Diatribes: Everybody Loves Ernie

By Anthony J. Lockwood

She’s patting him on the back. “Good job, Ernie. Well done.” Like talking toa dog. Only dogs are loyal.

He’s got them all fooled, don’t you know. I’ll never place a line just-so thevery first time like Ernie. He’s a gifted designer. Yep, he is. When he worksat it, which isn’t often by my reckoning. My reckoning doesn’t matter.

This guy comes in 15 minutes late every single day, don’t you know. Oh, it’salways so bloody amazing he made it, once good old Ernie regales you with histale of the latest mischief from the Fates. Today, it was the old duffer drivinghis ‘79 Olds at 6 mph story. Yesterday, it was the dog barfing all over the kitchenright as he was leaving story. Or was that Monday? No, Monday was the wife needingto talk out the garden design. “You know how wives are.” Wink, wink. Errrr.

And each excuse so frigging rich with detail. Ho-ho. Good old Ernie. His life,man, it’s like a cheesy sitcom. Soooo funny. I don’t believe a word of it. Buteveryone else does because everybody loves Ernie.

And he spends all day schmoozing. “I’ve got to run off to manufacturing for asec. I’ll be right back.”

Baloney. He’s gone for 45 minutes, but at least I get to work on our projectwithout his droning on and on about his latest expensive toy. Has no one noticedthat the janitors know his kids’ names? What about the cafeteria ladies titteringlike schoolgirls when he flirts with them? He flirts and flits about so much thathe ends up taking a 90-minute lunch. Mere mortals like me get an hour and a warningif we’re a minute late.

Not Ernie. He’s noticed in every way, and none that matter. Good old Ernie. Quitethe guy. He’s a gifted designer, don’t you know. Errrr.

And he always has to leave a bit early, don’t you know. Say, 15 minutes. LittleLeague. Blood drive. Church choir. Whatever.

Thirty minutes shaved off each day is 2.5 hours a week. 10 hours a month. 110hours a year. That’s almost 3 weeks pay for nothing. Never mind the extra lunchor the 20 minutes spent yapping about a ball game. Paid holidays.

I couldn’t use all my vacation last year. Lost two weeks. Wife loved that. Ernietook his four. Somebody had to finish the Browning project. Good old Ernie wason vacation. Errrr.

There he goes now. Off somewhere to chat. They laid off 30 people around here.“Can’t afford all these people.” The survivors are doing double duty. Except me.And my partner Ernie.

Everybody loves Ernie, don’t you know. I hate Ernie.

Lockwood
[email protected]

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In my July column I muffed the new name for CADKEY Corp. It’s Kubotek USA (website). In my hubris of knowing all I neglected to verify what I knew. I regret theerror.—Lockwood